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Taffy Stuck And Tongue-Tied
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| I wish I may I wish I might |
[21 Sep 2004|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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i want like
every box set of every show
ever.
ok maybe not...
but i want
dawson's creek 1-4
popular 1
buffy 6 + 7
roswell 1+2
my so-called life
sigh....
need so much money....
SIIIIGH
have none.
I hate money
but I love things!
Isn't it ironic?
"Just play it cool boy....real cool..."-Westside Story
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[09 Feb 2004|07:17am] |
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| listen here... |
[06 Feb 2004|05:37pm] |
This game makes me dizzy.
all the spinning words and rhyming steps...
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stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) autumnsshadow |
[03 Feb 2004|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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 highly amused |
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Testify!
An offhand musing I saw in an article on Rotten.com last week that I just remembered(all my word-hungry friends will be amused). I've found this said in many places, but haven't actually taken the time to look up a reputable source, but the word "testify" originated before there was such thing as swearing on a Bible, as there was no Bible to swear on, and, as such, had its roots in the practice of swearing an oath on your testicles(at the risk of losing them I assume). Is it not fitting that our court system, still holds to the practice that you basically grab hold of your balls and hope for the best?
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thanks for that, elijah!
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| thank you |
[01 Feb 2004|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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cherrydress23 always makes me feel better late night online. thanks honey :)
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| this isn't candi...this is steve |
[27 Jan 2004|08:46pm] |
on sunday candi went into the hospital cause she had a sever blood clot in her lung she's doing fine now she should be home by friday...
she had to go i tried to call her like a bajillion times but to no avail so yeah she's better now
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| i need to make a website |
[24 Jan 2004|01:26pm] |
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mood |
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 html curious |
] |
i need to make a website.
friends with websites
tell me of cheap and reliable hosting?
what's the best place and price?
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| and then she.... |
[13 Jan 2004|02:48pm] |
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mood |
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 tired and groggy as fuck |
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music |
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elliott smith because i love him like whoa |
] |
....c o l l a p s e....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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[12 Oct 2003|08:16pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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i had a dream the other day that i was clinically dead for a few minutes.
when i woke up (in my dream) from the moments of death i looked at my mother (i think it was her) and i said, "there's nothing there. there's nothing"
meaning no afterlife.
i woke up in real life.
i remembered that dream last night while talking to steve. my life has been such a haze of sleep lately that i didn't remember when the dream happened. i know it must have been recently, though. it's weird because for the past 2-3 months i haven't been able to remember my dreams. i'm usually able to remember them quite vividly. now i remember snippits if i'm lucky.
"there's nothing there. there's nothing."
since after the diabetes walk yesterday (and before that off and on for weeks and weeks) there has been a fear in my gut so fierce it feels as if someone is forcing me to jump into a pit of sharks. just a constant, raging, ravaging fear that wants nothing more than to see me curled on the floor in a fetal position crying for my mother who wouldn't have time come and is not really who i would ever want to cry out for anyway.
the fear is followed by extreme lonliness.
let me not pretend the lonliness isn't always there and the fear for that matter. they are always there.
that's why i sleep so much. in my sleep i can't feel much of anything and it's a double bonus that i haven't been able to remember my dreams.
nobody understands how scared i am.
i don't even understand the source of this fear, how could anyone in the world understand.
then there's suicide. the wicked, taboo, three syllable word that makes everyone cringe. suicide has been an increasingly prominent thought for about 2 months. now i'm thinking about it several times a day rather than several times a week or a few times a month.
but haven't i always been thinking about it? when i was six and cried with my head in my mothers lap while having my first real anxiety attack. hot tears streaming down my face as i cried to her between frantic gasps, "Mommy! Mommy, I'm dying. I don't want to die, Mommy! I can't breathe, Mommy! I really can't breathe!" she stroked my forehead and held me. i don't remember what she may have said to calm me down. the anxiety attack alone took it's toll on my little body and i fell asleep after the gasping quieted and the tears dried up.
when i was eleven i thought about it. mom married 2 years prior, boyfriend john suddenly turned to husband daddy, new baby and you better start calling john daddy now. a friend at school told me she heard on the spanish channel some cult believed the end of the world was coming that night. i was 11 years old crying and crying that maybe the world was going to end when i suddenly got the thought, 'wouldn't it just make sense to kill myself so i don't have to worry about the world ending.' a few months later it was aliens, and the same thought popped into mind. the night of the end of the world i cried to my mother in the car on the way home. her belly was huge with the baby on the way. she was tired of my crying and worrying all the time and finally said, 'look, do you think i would bring a baby into this world if it were going to end.'
i said to her, 'how would you have known it was going to end? it's not like you know about these things. you don't get a memo for it like you get memo's at work.'
she was tired of it and didn't want to hear anymore.
i thought about how lucky she was to be able to write it off so easily and not have it plague her mind for the rest of the night. i slept on the floor next to her side of the bed that night. i slept in tiny intervals of time, wanting to make sure i saw the sun come up the next day. the sun came up and the world didn't end. soon there was aliens and then something else to worry about. the fears just kept coming and they keep coming even now.
let me beat anyone else to saying it:
suicide is the most selfish thing i could do.
it is selfish, yes, but what more is this than an issue of self. the whole situation is selfish and can be no more than that because it is soley about myself.
my thought process is guilt ridden and backwards. it's in slow and fast motion. it starts off thick and viscous in it's course then it thins and quickens gaining velocity, speed, fear. only to slow and thicken again making the fear less apparent but now suddenly the absence of will is lit up with neon lights that flash, "dead girl walking."
i talked to pete and he said i'm seem to be fighting off the inevitable. the hospital.
i told him i had to clean and do laundry before i could go. the idea of my aunt and grandmother doing my laundry for me fills me with guilt and makes me feel squeemish. i've been doing my own laundry since i was 9 years old.
he said i was putting off something that obviously needed to be done and he was sure my grandmother and aunt would be happy to do those things for me as long as i was getting help.
i told him they weren't exactly aware of how bad i've gotten. my vain attemps at keeping them protected only end up hurting them, i think.
so now i'm stuck with a decision.
my mood swings have become unbearable.
i fluctuate hourly between suicidal and stable ("life isn't that bad, maybe i'll survive.")
hardly ever above stable. never considered happy.
everything feels slow and sad and fast and scary all at the same time.
a decision will have to be made.
as for right now, my head is pounding. i need to lay down and not think. sleep.
sleep is the only think i can do without gut wrenching fear.
sleep it is, then.
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| just a bit more darko |
[06 Sep 2003|01:18am] |
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Katherine Pommeroy: We are losing them to apathy... to this prescribed nonsense. They are slipping away.
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| "don't leave the light on baby..." |
[04 Sep 2003|12:27am] |
"it's been a bloody, stupid day."
that was belle & sebastian.
i have nothing else to say because today was nothing.
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| Sir, Yes Sir! |
[25 Aug 2003|01:39am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Give Me Homeland Security or Give Me Death.
-_-
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
HAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHaHAHAHHAHA!!!!
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
WHOOOEEEE damn that was funny!
whoa...wait a minute...doesn't that guy look like a YOUNG sean connery?
PFFFFFFFFFFFTHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
"BOND, JAMES BOND...Pledge Allegience, damn you, PLEDGE IT!"
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!
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